I'm used to suffer alone, to myself. The advantage of this is I'm the only one who remembers my pains. And I rather to keep like that. So I won't write about my deepest anguishes now. But there's something I can talk about:
I'm used not to count on anyone. This is something I don't like when it haves to do with community stuff, because I do a lot of things alone to others take use of it for free and they don't move a hand to help me. And I DO ask for help, I DO teach them how to do it, I'm always available to show them how they can be useful. They're always saying they had a lot to do in their lives and work and college etc. I believe they don't care. Because when you really care, you can fight your lazyness and manage your time to show at least gratitude to your friends. The excuse of being too unstable to leave that freeze-up before writing/showing their ideas can be understandable once, but not every time you need them -- specially after listening/reading they were about to accomplish that thing they promised instead of simply saying "I can't" and let me come up with a "plan B".
I'm tired of reading how miserable they are, how nobody understand them, how they hate their work and life, how they feel sorry for themselves. I love them and worry about them, but when it happens so constantly it probably means two things: they aren't doing anything to change their situation (so they're accommodated and - if it was REALLY annoying them - they should take some action instead of only complain about it) and they're egocentric ("poor ME, this only happens with ME, I AM so miserable, nobody understands ME"). This leads to nothing. And it bothers me. It makes me feel even more alone because I can't find an "adult" friend.
I would like to find someone who has passed that phase of feeling miserable for not being like everyone else and at the same time craving to be unique and against the mainstream. It's stupid. You should be yourself and feel happy for it. Let the world and everyone else be who they like to be, who they feel good being. The major problem is that people don't know who they are. Maybe it's it: I want a friend who is more close to know himself/herself than the bunch of "old-teenagers" I have in my circle of friends.
On the other hand, in another group of people I know (and that aren't old-teenagers), most of them are those who took a way in their life only because their world/society/family told them to do it. And I can't see how I could be friend of someone so different of me in something so basic...
And I'm not wanting that kind of extremely-academic/scholar people too. Most of them look pedantic and priggish. I want friends who look for a balance, who follows the Greek "metron". That ones who know the time of being responsible writing a requested article and the time of just playing PSP for fun because you can afford it - after doing your duties and deserving a rest.
I really don't know where to find this kind of people. And I'm not being like "oh, I'm the only sensible people here", I still have a lot of issues to solve (that's what therapy is for), but at least I don't let my friends down. It's the only thing I would ask for a start. I need someone I can count on.
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lili_larter's journal
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